“Once I got pregnant, all the feelings caught up with me. On transfer day (when I got pregnant this time) it was supposed to be a happy day. That day I was in such a bad mood. I was upset, sad, I was snapping at people. It wasn't like me and I couldn’t figure out why. I was up all night trying to understand where these feelings were coming from.
It finally clicked for me: I knew I was going to get pregnant and that I was going to have to face that ultrasound again. I h
ad always said that was the one thing that scared me. I was going to have to walk back in, at 6 weeks pregnant, and relive through that agony of waiting for a yes or no.
In other pregnancies, I never worried about numbers, but this time I had so much anxiety. Every time it came to those monitoring appointments, now that I had experienced loss, I knew what was possible. When people would tell me, ‘Oh it’s going to be fine.’ or ‘You are due for a win,’ I would get so frustrated because I knew, that’s not how it works.
I had to face that first ultrasound and it was really scary. After that I thought the anxiety would go away. People said to me that once I moved passed the moment of when things went wrong other times, those feelings would get better. It didn’t get better. If anything it got worse.
At this point, I feel like I have a morbid take on this pregnancy, almost like I still don’t believe that I am carrying a viable baby. Now it’s getting a bit better because I can feel the baby moving, so I am just constantly checking to feel if the baby is still ok. I feel like I could still lose the baby even though I’m through my first trimester. The situation in reality is no different than any other pregnancy at this point, but for me and my anxiety, it feels different.
You would think that if I was afraid that a pregnancy, God forbid, wouldn’t last, that I would stick to doing all the ‘normal’ things like exercising and eating well-just doing whatever I could to make sure I stayed healthy. But I can’t, because there's all this emotional energy into trying to live in the moment, and not worry about a potential loss; it's so exhausting. I feel like I’ve been unable to muster up my motivation. When I take a nap, it's not the nap of a pregnant woman. I'm sleeping because I'm mentally exhausted; I’m scared and I’m anxious. Sometimes it feels like I’m just surviving. items that not expensive to wear for the maid of the brides
I’m slowly getting into a better place, because now I can feel the baby move. So at least when that happens, I can tell myself the baby is ok for now. But I’m not as energetic now, it’s harder for me to just push through and get things done. I’m maxed out mentally being so anxious. At this point I’m just trying to get through the day. All the time that I spent ignoring my feelings of grief and pushing through treatment, I think it finally caught up with me.”