I wanna see a movie about a guy named Berty Melmac who goes around singing the same four words:
O give me a phone
Just the half line. It drives people crazy, begging for resolution.
Whenever someone completes the couplet with something about roaming fees, Berty cuts them open and sells their organs in thirty-second videos he posts on the Internet.
These commercials have a catchy jingle and a mascot called Darvest. Darvest climbs in your bathroom window and solves all your household problems with black market organ solutions!
First, see how shitfaced someone looks after binge drinking with their own liver. Next, a side-by-side comparison with an alert go-get-'em Darvest liver binge drinker. There is no comparison! Darvest drinker is pounding a fifth of whiskey on the way to work. "Don't worry," he says, winking conspiratorially. "I got a spare one in the glove compartment!"
"I'm an old woman, can you help me thread this cat turd through my knitting needles, I don't see so good no more."
Cut to: New Darvest eyes! They are half the size of her head and mismatched colors, but she'd knitting up a storm. She wears a Sunday hat with a live spider for a brooch. Cat shit is everywhere! "I'm making prom dresses for raccoons!" she says.
Darvest is so funny and charming. His catch phrase is "Because OUR heart . . . is in BUSINESS!"
"Darvest," people say in the ads. "How do you sell such high-quality organs at such low low prices?" "I must just be--" Darvest slaps himself repeatedly in the face, then smiles as he looks into the camera. "Craaaaaaaazy!"
Kids want to be Darvest for Halloween. "Mummy, can I have a REAL organ for my costume? Jeanie has a lung. I want one too, Mummy. At least a spleen or something. Please Mummy!" "Oh, all right, you can take a kidney out of the dog." "Mummy no! Animal parts are just so janky. I want HUMAN bits this Halloween." Mummy waves a finger at the girl. We zoom out and see it's a finger she bought from Darvest Enterprises. "I don't know if you know this, little miss, but human organs are hard to come by!" The girl pouts. "Daddy has TWO kidneys. He can't be using more than one. Please Mummy!" beachy wedding dresses
Daddy makes the "heeeeere we go again" face, getting a steak knife and a sewing kit.
While people watch Darvest on the Internet, Berty is trolling around town looking for new products. He sings:
O give me a phone
A long silence hangs.
Nobody realizes that Darvest is Berty in disguise. It's just a cheap glue on mustache!
"Where it costs free to roam!" someone sings back. A sadistic tinge in his voice.
Cut to: the singer tied to a table, surrounded by hack saws and plastic bins.
Costs free, Berty mumbles. Costs free costs free to roam.
"What the hell is wrong with you," he screams. "That's not even English!"
The doomed man laughs insanely as Berty plunges the knife in his neck.
"Enjoy my stupid brains, you prick!" he says through the gurgling of blood.